Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year......new beginings.....

A new year is begining, I can't believe how fast the last year has gone. So many things have changed, and so much is yet to to change.
Looking back the following has changed

I went from single to happily married
from being a single mother to a mom with assisance
From working to being a stay at home mommy
From stressing about if I'd be able to pay bills, to not having to worry about anything.
From having only one child to having four (3 great step kids) and 1 cool munchkin
From being lonely to being complete

We've moved 2 times in the last year, and to a totally new state. I've had to re adjust to making new friends, learning new names, finding new doctors, dentist's and chiropractors. I've adjusted to teenagers, mood swings, long drives, missing hubby, being away from family, and my only child starting school.

I'm excited for this new year, and there is so much to look forward too.

I've come up with a work out plan for loosing weight
the kids are coming during the summer, and so are my parent
Jake will start kindergarten full time


So much coming up.....so stay tuned!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Can't explain.....But I'll be alright... I always am

What I love about the country is I can walk into the night and disappear. No noise, no complaints, no disrespect just total silence.
I can look up and see the stars across the sky,  the moon shining down. I can see the sun as it sets in shades of blue, purple, red and violet. And as the sun disappears, so do I.
I can walk away into the night, close my eyes and pretend everything's alright. I can breath deep and fight the tears. I can listen to my music and let it cleanse my soul. Close my eyes and ignore the pain inside. 

I can't explain how I feel anymore. And I'm not sure your listening anyways. I'm tired of yelling and fighting, kissing an making up. I just wan us back to the way we were.
But I'm not holding my breath, I'm not even sure that your listening. It's the same old song, seems like we've been doing this for so long. You know I'll never walk away, I'll never leave you, but I never imagined I'd have to protect my heart from you. You were my champion, my prince.... But this isn't a fairy tale and I'm not a princess.
So I'll stay with you, but please understand if I withdraw my heart from your hands it's because you've already shattered it and I can't rely on you to put it back together.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The little kid....

in my son's class is still weighing heavily on my mind. Right before christmas break we we're all talking, now mind you this child is ONLY four years old. Some how the conversation took a wrong turn and this sweet child tells me "When my mommy and daddy fight, my daddy leaves."

It broke my heart to hear one so young talk of something so hurtful. I remember being that little kid and all the hurtful things said at my house. I remember the yelling, the screaming, and being afraid. I pray that little boy had a good christmas and that his mommy and daddy could stop fighting long enough to give him a happy christmas.

There are so many children hurt in this world, and I know you can't save them all. But there is a part of me that wishes I could just wrap them all up in a hug and keep them safe. No child deserves to live in that kind of environment. To hear those harsh words, or angry yells, to be scared or cowering in a corner. I can't save every child, but I will make sure that I try to help those along the way who I come in contact with.

Will you?

Monday, December 26, 2011

Devastated .....

I'm not looking for responses or even anyone to pay attention. But I'm so hurt and upset right now I have to write or I'll scream.
Today is my one year anniversary, the first one, the one that should've been special, sweet, romantic.. Instead it's been not only a disappointment but an eye opener. It's taken a year but the fairy tale has come to an end and reality has settled in.

I don't think I'm unreasonable in this, our wedding day was rushed nothing like I dreamed, no honeymoon and the one we planned cancelled so we could be with the kids. So I don't think it's expecting to much to have hoped that my one year anniversary would've been a special day. That it would've been something more than just an ordinary day.

I wasn't expecting the world to stop or even anything major, heck I wasn't even hoping to go out. But I was hoping for acknowledgment, some sort of specialness. Instead I've spent the majority of the day being hurt. Hurt that he had time to pick up his hunting license but not flowers, hurt he only even said it when I said it first. I always thought my marriage was a fairy tale, I'm coming to find today that it's very real.

Now there's a house full of people and I've spent the end part of the day being ignored.... So all I have to say is "happy reality day" to me.


I'm going to go cry now......maybe I'll feel better afterwards... But I doubt it.

On the road again....

We're on the road again. Headed to see more family. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my very first anniversary but oh well.
We get to see the kids and that's a good thing.

I know it's silly, and I get to see him every day. But I guess I had hoped my anniversary would be special, romantic, unique. Instead it's a day of travel and more stress.
I wanna cry but I know that's not reasonable, so I'm gonna smile and try to enjoy the day.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Travels and stress

Well we made it safe, tried to drive all the way through but by 1 am we realized it just wasn't gonna happen. I can not believe how much energy a 4ur old has harnessed in their little body. It's like it doesn't even phase him, however mommy and daddy are seriously worn out. But we made it safe and sound.
Seeing my parents was amazing, just hugging my mom puts my heart at ease. I'm thrilled to see them.
Now munchkin and I and hubby are chilling watching a movie.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Adventures with 4yr olds........

Today a friend of mine had posted about how hurt she was over insensitivty by the part of someone else. Less than a year ago I'd been in her shoes, I knew how hard it was to greet every holiday and no one take my son to get me anything. So I had the brilliant idea..."I'll take her son, and mine...Christmas shopping...."

Boy was that FUN! LOL.... 4 days before christmas, in a packed mall...I took two 4yr old little boys...wired up and hyped up....and lemme tell you....



WE HAD A BLAST!!!!!
 
Yes, they we're a little rambunctious and a little loud....but they brought smiles to everyone's faces. They pointed out toys...and begged for toys....and pouted when they didnt get them and quit pouting just as fast when they saw something else that caught their eye. It's such a joy to watch them experience Christmas, and see new things. 

Today was also the munchkins Christmas Program at school, he did a wonderful job...and as soon as I figure out how to upload Video I"ll show y'all.
 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Packing, vacation and stress

Every day you deal with daily stresses. But holiday's roll around and they tend to be ALOT more stressful. We're getting ready for our trip and its always stressful. Traveling 18hrs is gonna be a very long trip with a 4yr old little boy. Although we're looking forward to seeing our other kids. I love my step kids they are so full of energy and creativity. And teens are different world than anything else I've ever experienced before.

After this trip things will settle back to normal, and I am excited to start playing a new MMRPG. It'll be fun.

Hope everyone has a great holiday!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Christmas Early

Well we did Christmas early since we wont be home for the Holidays. Kiddo loved his presents, but his train table definitely took the cake. He loves it and has been playing with it all morning.
It is so wonderful to be able to provide him with surprises like this. I never imagined my life could be so amazing. Meeting and marrying my husband almost a year ago is the best decision I've ever made.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Frustrations.....

So I sit here at 11:40 at night waiting for the husband who was outta town for 10 days and just got in late last night, to get back from the meetings he got tagged for. He should've been home at 5:30, dinners cold, kiddo's asleep on the couch waiting for his daddy, and I'm sitting in the dark wondering how my preconceived notions got so far off track.

For anyone who knows me, you know I chose Army life. I met my husband on an Army site. I went into this with my eyes wide open. Or so I thought.
To say I wasn't truly prepared for what Army life is really like, is an understatement.

I always figured that since I'd lived on base a few months, and dealt with other misc. military stuff that I had it figured out. Boy was I wrong! See my ex was a marine, and their schedule was set almost in stone. But this, this new life I've stepped into is totally different. There's last minute trips outta town, 5:30 AM PT training sessions, meetings that last till midnight...and all at the drop of a hat.

I had no idea that military life was like this. That my husband would up and disappear all of a sudden cause the Army says "Go." Or that my son would fall asleep on the living room floor waiting for daddy to come home.

I had no idea about the fundraising, bake sales, FRG meetings, Wives club and all the rules that come with it. I'm beyond out of my element and totally in over my head. Needless to say, my preconceived notions of "military life" are fast going out the window. I'm coming to find the only thing that is certain, is that when the Army says "jump" you say "How high?"

Monday, December 12, 2011

One of those days.....

Do you ever have one of those days when you just want to crawl back in bed and sleep till the next morning? Everyone tells me it'll get easier, you'll get used to him being gone. Fact of the matter is, I dont wanna get used to it. I miss him, I hate him being gone, I don't care that its only for a few days, I don't care that this is military life. Fact of the matter is, I MISS HIM! And I'm sick to death of people telling me "It'll be ok." Don't they realize I know it'll be ok. He's just a few states over, I know he's coming back. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss him.

Alright I'm done rambling....

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Dear Soldier

Dear Soldier,
I don't know you, and you don't know me. I don't know where you're from or where you've been, but I know somewhere over there you're surviving horrors we can't even begin to imagine. You're living with the wind, the sand, and the heat. You're fighting for my freedoms, for my son's right to grow up free. And I find myself wondering when was the last time someone shook your hand and told you how much it meant to them that you give up so much for them?
    I don't know if you have a family, or children of your own. I don't know where you're from, or how you're feeling. But I know you're giving it all up to protect our country, to protect our freedoms, to protect us back home. You probably don't see what your doing as heroic or brave, you probably don't consider yourself a hero bu that's exactly what you are a "HERO."
     I don't think any civilian truly understands what you're going through, or how hard a deployment is on your families, both emotionally and physically. Your spouses have to be brave on the home front, hold your families together and keep their heads held high when all they want to do is cry, and you have to keep going on day by day when all you want to do is run home and hold them tight.
     We as a people have failed to give you the credit you deserve for all your sacrifice. We have failed to show you how much you mean to us, as a people, as a nation, as Americans.
     I am but one person, but I would like to say "Thank You", on behalf of myself, my son, and the American people. I will pray for you, I will cry for you, I will fly a flag for you, and I will remember you!


****************************************************************
 Written by Felicity White
Copyright 2010

I am a single rose, A twin who has lost her other

I am a single rose, A twin who has lost her other

I am a single rose, a twin who has lost her other
I wonder if she knows that fate was wrong
I hear her voice calling out to me beckoning my soul
I see her standing before me, calling out to me saying;
“Come I am here”
I want to comfort her, to tell her I care that I love her
I am a single rose, a twin who has lost her other
I pretend she is here by my side, that fate has not played its ugly hand.
I feel her soul surrounding me, enclosing me in its light
I touch her mind and she becomes one with me.
I worry she cannot sense me, that she has forgotten who I am
I cry for she is not here; fate has taken her from me
I am a single rose, a twin who has lost her other.
I understand she is inside my soul; her mind dwells with me
I say that life is a gift that should be given to all and no man may take from another
I dream that someday she will return in the flesh for her soul is already here
I try to forget the pain of losing her, the hurt of not having her here
I am a single rose, a twin who has lost her other.
************************************************************
Written by Felicity White
Copyright 1999

First attempt:

This is my first time blogging, so if you've wandered across my page. Pull up a chair, grab a cup of tea and sit back and relax.

My name is Felicity, I'm an Army Wife...and I'm coming to the end of my first year as Army Wife.

I'm also the mother of a wonderful 4yr old little boy. I also became a step-mom this  year to a 13yr old boy, 16yr old girl and 18 yr old boy. Its been an interesting trip. 

It's been an interesting journey this past year. And I look forward to sharing my experiences, both good and bad along the way.

In my blog you'll find poems, stories, rants, thoughts and sayings. Anything that might strike my fancy.

I hope you enjoy yourself.


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