Happy New Year......new beginings.....

A new year is begining, I can't believe how fast the last year has gone. So many things have changed, and so much is yet to to change.
Looking back the following has changed

I went from single to happily married
from being a single mother to a mom with assisance
From working to being a stay at home mommy
From stressing about if I'd be able to pay bills, to not having to worry about anything.
From having only one child to having four (3 great step kids) and 1 cool munchkin
From being lonely to being complete

We've moved 2 times in the last year, and to a totally new state. I've had to re adjust to making new friends, learning new names, finding new doctors, dentist's and chiropractors. I've adjusted to teenagers, mood swings, long drives, missing hubby, being away from family, and my only child starting school.

I'm excited for this new year, and there is so much to look forward too.

I've come up with a work out plan for loosing weight
the kids are coming during the summer, and so are my parent
Jake will start kindergarten full time


So much coming up.....so stay tuned!!!

Can't explain.....But I'll be alright... I always am

What I love about the country is I can walk into the night and disappear. No noise, no complaints, no disrespect just total silence.
I can look up and see the stars across the sky,  the moon shining down. I can see the sun as it sets in shades of blue, purple, red and violet. And as the sun disappears, so do I.
I can walk away into the night, close my eyes and pretend everything's alright. I can breath deep and fight the tears. I can listen to my music and let it cleanse my soul. Close my eyes and ignore the pain inside. 

I can't explain how I feel anymore. And I'm not sure your listening anyways. I'm tired of yelling and fighting, kissing an making up. I just wan us back to the way we were.
But I'm not holding my breath, I'm not even sure that your listening. It's the same old song, seems like we've been doing this for so long. You know I'll never walk away, I'll never leave you, but I never imagined I'd have to protect my heart from you. You were my champion, my prince.... But this isn't a fairy tale and I'm not a princess.
So I'll stay with you, but please understand if I withdraw my heart from your hands it's because you've already shattered it and I can't rely on you to put it back together.

The little kid....

in my son's class is still weighing heavily on my mind. Right before christmas break we we're all talking, now mind you this child is ONLY four years old. Some how the conversation took a wrong turn and this sweet child tells me "When my mommy and daddy fight, my daddy leaves."

It broke my heart to hear one so young talk of something so hurtful. I remember being that little kid and all the hurtful things said at my house. I remember the yelling, the screaming, and being afraid. I pray that little boy had a good christmas and that his mommy and daddy could stop fighting long enough to give him a happy christmas.

There are so many children hurt in this world, and I know you can't save them all. But there is a part of me that wishes I could just wrap them all up in a hug and keep them safe. No child deserves to live in that kind of environment. To hear those harsh words, or angry yells, to be scared or cowering in a corner. I can't save every child, but I will make sure that I try to help those along the way who I come in contact with.

Will you?

Devastated .....

I'm not looking for responses or even anyone to pay attention. But I'm so hurt and upset right now I have to write or I'll scream.
Today is my one year anniversary, the first one, the one that should've been special, sweet, romantic.. Instead it's been not only a disappointment but an eye opener. It's taken a year but the fairy tale has come to an end and reality has settled in.

I don't think I'm unreasonable in this, our wedding day was rushed nothing like I dreamed, no honeymoon and the one we planned cancelled so we could be with the kids. So I don't think it's expecting to much to have hoped that my one year anniversary would've been a special day. That it would've been something more than just an ordinary day.

I wasn't expecting the world to stop or even anything major, heck I wasn't even hoping to go out. But I was hoping for acknowledgment, some sort of specialness. Instead I've spent the majority of the day being hurt. Hurt that he had time to pick up his hunting license but not flowers, hurt he only even said it when I said it first. I always thought my marriage was a fairy tale, I'm coming to find today that it's very real.

Now there's a house full of people and I've spent the end part of the day being ignored.... So all I have to say is "happy reality day" to me.


I'm going to go cry now......maybe I'll feel better afterwards... But I doubt it.

On the road again....

We're on the road again. Headed to see more family. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my very first anniversary but oh well.
We get to see the kids and that's a good thing.

I know it's silly, and I get to see him every day. But I guess I had hoped my anniversary would be special, romantic, unique. Instead it's a day of travel and more stress.
I wanna cry but I know that's not reasonable, so I'm gonna smile and try to enjoy the day.

Travels and stress

Well we made it safe, tried to drive all the way through but by 1 am we realized it just wasn't gonna happen. I can not believe how much energy a 4ur old has harnessed in their little body. It's like it doesn't even phase him, however mommy and daddy are seriously worn out. But we made it safe and sound.
Seeing my parents was amazing, just hugging my mom puts my heart at ease. I'm thrilled to see them.
Now munchkin and I and hubby are chilling watching a movie.

Adventures with 4yr olds........

Today a friend of mine had posted about how hurt she was over insensitivty by the part of someone else. Less than a year ago I'd been in her shoes, I knew how hard it was to greet every holiday and no one take my son to get me anything. So I had the brilliant idea..."I'll take her son, and mine...Christmas shopping...."

Boy was that FUN! LOL.... 4 days before christmas, in a packed mall...I took two 4yr old little boys...wired up and hyped up....and lemme tell you....

WE HAD A BLAST!!!!!

 

Yes, they we're a little rambunctious and a little loud....but they brought smiles to everyone's faces. They pointed out toys...and begged for toys....and pouted when they didnt get them and quit pouting just as fast when they saw something else that caught their eye. It's such a joy to watch them experience Christmas, and see new things. 

Today was also the munchkins Christmas Program at school, he did a wonderful job...and as soon as I figure out how to upload Video I"ll show y'all.